There is no greater invention on the face of the Earth than the self-checkout line. Not the wheel, not sliced bread, not porn. You know why porn isn't better? Because thanks to the self-checkout line, you can buy porn without anyone judging you.
So the other day when I went to Meijer and purchased deodorant, mouthwash and Pepto Bismol, I went straight to the self-checkout line to avoid the odd looks from a cashier that purchasing these items together could create.
This prospective cashier doesn't know me. He/she doesn't know that I was wearing deodorant at the time, that my teeth have been thoroughly brushed for years and that the Pepto was for ... well that's none of his/her damn business, really. This led me to thinking, with the help of a friend in a text message conversation, that the inventor of this modern marvel likely did it to save himself the embarrassment of buying condoms. Now, this swanky son of a bitch has a condom machine in his house.
Of course, a search for "who invented self checkouts" comes up with nothing but this Wikipedia article about self checkouts. In it, they list "disadvantages" to self-checkout machines, to which I say, "lolwut?" The only "disadvantage" they could come up with was the prospect of more shoplifting. This is, of course, ridiculous. One of the main reasons for using a self-checkout machine is to be able to do the scanning by yourself. It makes you feel like you're doing something extra to really deserve those groceries that you're buying for the exact same price.
Even if you thought about shoplifting something, you're more than likely going to scan it while wrapped up in the pure ecstasy that one feels when yielding this kind of purchasing power. "Where's the- Oh shit, I already scanned it!"
Yes, some clown tried to scan a flatscreen with the barcode of a bargain-bin DVD and was caught because it was ridiculous. The machines are smarter than that, and know the weight difference between the director's cut of "Double Team" and a 42-inch Panasonic plasma. If you're going to shoplift using a self checkout, you have to go with like items, such as switching a pear for an apple, or avocados for tomatoes. These are small things with fractional price differences. Plus, the retiree who lost his pension in 2008 and is now working the door at Meijer so he can pay for his 13 prescriptions can't tell the difference between a Roma tomato and a red delicious apple. And even if he could, he'd simply smile knowingly at you and tell you to have a nice day, because those dickheads aren't giving him full benefits.
Perhaps, though, I shouldn't disparage Wikipedia too much, as there is at least one disadvantage to self-checkout machines: Inconsiderate people. This is also the disadvantage to living on Earth, but self checkouts are a good way to get a peak into a person's soul.
There are three types of people who use the self-checkout:
1. Normal, considerate people
These people will wait patiently across the aisle for the next lane to open up. And when your lane does open up, they'll allow you time to bag up your remaining groceries before they decide to start scanning items.
2. Pushy, semi-assholes
These people will pull up right behind you, perhaps even touch your child's face, and make you feel like you can't breathe while scanning your items. This is almost certain to cause you to be flustered and hurry through your scanning, perhaps missing and getting the dreaded "unknown item on cart" flash and the looks from cashiers and patrons that come with it. These pushy, semi-assholes can also see what you're purchasing because they're hovering. Both of those things are the exact reason you opted for the self-checkout machine in the first place. These people are mostly harmless, however, and will allow you to finish your business before they start theirs.
3. Dicks
These folks have all the characteristics of No. 2, except the last one. That means that as you're bagging your groceries, they're not at all afraid to start not only scanning their items, but firing them down into your own. This, fortunately, has only happened to me once, and the woman's grapes may or may not have "accidentally" wound up in one of my bags.
Obviously there is a certain reciprocity involved here, in that someone can be an awful self-checkerouter and slow things down. Of course, if you follow No. 1, you can scan the situation, identify these self-checkout novices and avoid their lane at all costs.
So to recap, the rules of self-checkout machines: 1. Sit back and wait until a machine opens; 2. If you're going to steal, steal like items; 3. Don't be a dick; 4. Always buy something embarrassing, because lord knows that's what these things were invented for, so you might as well take advantage of it.
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